“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!” She was yelling at me, her arms flaring.

“NI NINI MBAYA NA WEWE?”

I had zoned out. I zoned back in and thought to myself “who is this and why is she yelling at me?”

My brain quickly registered my surroundings and my eyes accustomed themselves to the darkness. My ears quickly picked up the loud music in the background. I was at a parking lot outside a club at a smokie pasua joint. It was 2am. My body was slightly swaying around like a young Mugumo tree in strong wind. Only that there was no wind. The alcohol in the system was doing the winding.

Okay, bearings established, back to the matter at hand. Who is this and why is she yelling at me? I looked at her flabbergasted with massive confusion in my eyes. On my left was the smokie pasua guy fixing one. On my right was a dazzled guy, who I assume was the boyfriend and miss yeller next to him. Oh wait, she looks cute, petite body, in her 20’s, in a black top and jeans. But why were her eyes were filled with so much rage.

Ai… Okay! What was happening? I looked at her trying to remember what had happened. What had I done in the past few seconds to warrant such a Lucy Kibaki outburst?

Then pieces of my short-term memory quickly flooded back. Apparently, the lovely couple had come to buy smokie pasuas and I was standing there waiting for mine, or eating mine… I can’t remember. The guy ordered two of them… I zoned out at that point for a fraction of a second… Then I zoned back in just in time to hear a someone say, “phone number ni?”. Naturally I thought someone was asking for my phone number. I am very generous with my number, kwanza especially during alcohol induced shenanigans. So, I blurted out my phone number then zoned back out.

That’s when she exploded. I was being charged with attempted fraud.

“Hold up! HOLD UP! WHAT THE!” I said this in my mind, not out loud. Why would I try and defraud you of 60 bob! 60BOB!… Again, all this in my head. My body was still swaying slightly and my flabbers were still being gasted. I experienced an Oprah moment momentarily. “Do you know I can buy you all these smokies in a heartbeart! As a matter of fact, funga hizo smokie zote, umpatie”… Again, in my head.

I looked at the boyfriend. His face was expressionless then I turned to the smokie pasua pedi and in a slow calm voice asked him, “nimelipa smokie yangu?”

“Bado”

“Nimekula ngapi?”

“Mbili”

I asked him for his number and paid. I can’t remember if miss yeller was still going on or not but I remember my brain refused to engage. I just walked away.

Wait a minute! I thought as I walked back into the club to find my peoples. I can’t remember eating a smokie pasua, let alone two! I think I have been defrauded of 60bob! And why is my thigh feeling warm like I peed myself. I put my hand in my left pocket only to find a warm, smashed egg with kachumbari concoctioned with my house keys.

Bas. Ni hivyo! Time to go home. Sherehe, you win. Wewe ni number 1. First bodi. Wacha niende home tu roho safi.