My 3km jog trail in the morning has some constants. First there’s the kiosk with the very bubbly lady who always say a jovial “sasa!” loud enough for me to hear over my earphones. Side note, my current favourite song is Move Me by Mura Masa and One Kiss by Dua Lipa…. As my phone autocorrects to Lipa na Mpesa…

I’m back to jogging by the way. And when I say back to jogging I mean I put on my Nike Running app, <~insert sponsorship money here.., and music and run for 3km. Then skip the following daaaaaaayyyyyy mpaka 2 weeks later… Guilt.. Jog for 3 days…download an app for building abs… for those who know #MissionDekitambitization, work on my abs for 3 days straight, feel proud of myself then go back to #CaloriesNeedAHomeToo.

Lakini siku hizi nimekuwa serious. 3 times a week; ndio siku moja pia sisi tukuwe underwear models.

So, I was talking about my trail. The jovial kiosk lady and her beautiful 20something shy daughter, who waves at me once in a rare while, which obviously gives me superhuman strength… obviously. Then there’s a quiet part of the trail where I’ll meet a random car or two, then we get to the bodaboda guys. They always nod at me as I’m running past them.. Like that part where the soldiers nodded at Wonderwoman when she rushed into the war zone in epic slow motion… Yah, yah, yah, I have a crush on Wonderwoman..

After the bodas is wasee wa base, just at the junction of the the highway. They are always there. Sijawahi wakosa. The highway is not so busy. A few cars, bodas and matatus drive past me. And finally, the Traffic Police…

I’ve never marked their faces so I don’t know if it’s always the same cops. I normally say hi, just by clasping my hands together and nodding. And one or both of them nod back or gives me a thumbs up… except yesterday.

Yesterday, they were on my side of the road so I had to jog in front of them on the road or behind them on the pedestrian walk. I decided to jog behind them. As I was approached them, they turned to my direction and started clapping. I was taken aback. They looked like they were cheering. I couldn’t hear them over my earphones so I pulled them out. The female cop was the more vibrant one. She was cheering me on, “goooood. Endelea hivo hivo”. Sasa, I don’t know if she was cheering me because she was proud of my consistency, or she was proud that I was back to jogging, ama ni vile unacheer that heavily kitambid baba who is number last kwa parents race at your son’s school ndio mtoto wake asipate esteem issues.

My weight journey has been 84kg, then 79kg in less 2 months in the gym… And theeeeeeen 87.7kgs, 89.9kg na sasa 92kgs. My word, I have become that kitambid baba. Wacha niwaambie 92 is the most I’ll ever weigh my entire life. Nimeapa kiapo. Mpaka the masseuse at the kinyozi, as she struggling to button the top button of my polo shirt, told me “Hweh” breathing out a sigh of kuchoka kama ile ya kupanda stairs, “Siku hizi umenona. Si u-njoin tu ngym”… Just so you know, the Kamba accent is epic, especially when it’s subtle.

As I approach the end of my trail I pick up speed and sprint… Really fast. Usain Bolt would be proud. He really would be. I pause for about 10 seconds then double back. I pass the cops; this time they just nod at me. The rest of the trail is activityless though my pace is slightly faster coz I’m going downhill.

I finally get back home, end my run on the app, it updates me on the distance, speed and calories burnt. These calories must go, underwear model body coming soon, ngojeni tu. Akina Jason Momoa will be my buddies…