Every morning, when I do my usual 20km bike ride I meet these three drunk men. I normally meet one walking towards me. He looks like he’s around 60, though the alcohol may have aged him a bit more. He’s normally very jolly and always says hello to me… Okay, it’s more than a hello. It’s usually a whole paragraph. The first time I met him, I removed one ear phone to hear what he was saying. “Alizunguka akarudi alafu akaenda tena…” I wasn’t sure whether he was talking to me. It sounded like it was a continuing conversation. Yep, he was talking to me. He continued… “na yote nilikula jana”. There was absolutely no connection to the first convo. I responded with a teethy smile. He teethed back as I passed him. He lifted his hand to wave at me. I waved back. These days when I see him, I wave at him with a bit of vigour, he’s normally already waving, narrating something while struggling not to stagger.

I continued riding. It was uphill, I was crawling slowly, waving to the usual people; Bodaboda guys wa ile corner, a few kange’s wa mat, one dere wa mat who always shouts “vipi!” and mama Purity wa Coca-Cola kiosk.

I get to my spot, stop, take a breather, drink water, turn the bike, change the music on my phone to Masauti’s Kiboko, change gears and downhill I speed. The adrenalin rush, wah. I have to bend my head kidogo coz the wind lifts and adjusts my helmet. I hold the handle bars of the bike tight to keep it stable. All my senses are up, my eyes focused; even a small rock on the tarmac can cause me to crash into the bush. Even above the music I can hear everything, a hoot or a shout. But the road is usually very clear. If anyone waved at me at this point, I wouldn’t be able to wave back. Any slight movement from my body would distabilize me. Plus, I’m no longer on the pedestrian section, I’m on the highway kabisa. But close to the edge to allow any cars to overtake me without necessarily changing lanes.

I get to the part where the road levels and I stop at Makau’s shop to buy credit. Niko na Fuliza so siwezi buy credit na Mpesa. Makau is just the coolest. One day he gave me a free bottle of water. I’ve mentioned him in stories before. I’ve met his wife, 10yr son and 7yr old daughter. She’s very sweet. She introduced me to their dogs one day when they were at the shop. She pet the bigger dog then looked up at me to show me that I could go ahead and pet him too; friendly dog.

We talked with Makau about those people who win or suddenly make a lot of money then lose it. Actually, statistics has it that about 90% lose their money within 1 year of getting it. We all have examples of such people. Makau said that if you ever make such kind of money chukua 10% za raha zako then put the rest in fixed deposit account for at least 3 months while you think and get advice from successful people how to invest your money wisely. I’ve had a windfall of money before and lost it, so I know this all too well. But I didn’t tell Makau this. After chatting for a bit I continue my ride. The road is still level. I’m riding at moderate speed. I pick up speed as I approach a slope. I want to be at a good speed by the time it gets steep. Just ahead of me a school bus drives out of the school gate and gets onto the road, heading the same direction as me. The road has started getting steeper but my speed is still good; good enough to over-take the bus. The bus had highschool girls. They were on their way to a funkie. I could tell coz I passed the bus I could smell the fresh mix of perfumes and lotions. One girl had stuck her head out the bus. She was seated at the back of the bus: ile kiti ya wale wabaya!

It was the most craved seat in high-school buses. When I was in high school, I used to sit hizi viti za katikati katikati. Once, I was privileged to sit at the back seat and that was only because tulikuwa tumeenda Maryhill Girls and I had managed to hit on a girl… successfully… a very cute one… a pointy (they were very rare those days – 90s) … and I had sliced him from msee wa MFA (Moi Forces Academy). We hated MFA guys. They were also there for the debate funkie. I was in MacB… Macha Bee… or Machakos Boys. That day nilimake it! I even got her full name and P.O. Box ndio nitume barua later. Zile barua za decorated foolscaps, nicely designed envelops and a bit of marash for scent… I used Brut for Men… I wonder if it still exists these days. That was the one day when the boys… ‘wale wabaya’… let me sit in the back seat. “Jaymoooooo… tunakuonaaaaa. Ebu come hapa kwanza” “Uliget souvenir?” Of course I did. She gave me a scarf. A souvenir was the highest form of ‘making it’. This meant that for the next funkie, scouts trip to Nyeri I was ndani vibaya sana. That trip had a combination of everything; I tasted brandy for the first time, the school bus left me, I introduced clever tactics to my kukatia skills, I heard ‘you don’t haffi dread to be rasta’ for the first time in a club and I suffered my first rejection. I’ll do whole story about this later.

So when I saw the highschool girl poking her head from the window of the back seat of the school bus, I knew who she was. I raised my hand to wave at her, mad respect . She smiled and waved back then boom! I heard a choir of “hiiiiii” and excited school girls waving. I smiled and waved back as I overtook the bus. They started cheering me on to ride faster… Sasaaa, womens, mbona mnatupatianga pressure hivi? How many did biology in high school? Do you remember something called the pituitary gland? Sasa wacha niwaambie hiyo pituitary ilirelease a hormone called adrenalin. This drug increases the heartbeat, numbs the nervous system, increase blood flow and alerts all senses. Nilipityut kupityut… The adrenalin was rushing. Hiyo mlima haitawahi nisahau. I pumped my thighs so hard niliskia kukunywa juice mix ya kaluma na deepheat when I got home.

After about a minute, the bus picked up speed and overtook me. Finally, I was at the bend of the hill, now it was time for downhill again. I switched gears and soon I was cruising down. Then I saw the other two drunk men. These ones were usually drunk gudigudi. This time they were walking in my direction. I wasn’t moving too fast. I calculated in my head that I’m going to take a wide berth from them as I approached them. Sikuwa nataka kustua wazee wa wenyewe. They looked around 70, dressed in old beat-up suits. As I approached them, I noticed one was completely drunk struggling to walk, despite the fact it was only 8am in the morning. He wasn’t looking ahead. The other one held his hand and pulled him out of the way with considerable force they almost both fell. It was hilarious as I they both struggled to stabilise themselves as though they were balancing on high wires and their lives depended on it. As I passed them, I heard him blurt out in glee “leo nimekusave rife”… I knew he would demand to be paid in cheap liqueur later.

Then surprise surprise I met the first drunk man. He narrated his usual greeting but this time it was different. He was unusually happy. He raised his hand and pointed at his ring just the way a fresh groom would do at a wedding photoshoot. Haiya, he was talking in excitement. I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the music and I knew even if I did, I wouldn’t understand it either. The fact that he showed me his ring probably means that his wife of 40 years came back after abandoning him due to his early morning drinking sprees. Or he went back to his wife and it was a happy reunion. Or he got a fresh wife. Or he finally got a wife. I shared in his excitement with my facial expression and huge smile. I shouted “kabisa” as I waved and passed him. I knew ‘kabisa’ should cover all the angles.

“Sitamwacha tena” – Kabisa

“Jana tulirudiana” – Kabisa

“Alinirudia” – Kabisa

“Huyu nampenda sana” – Kabisa

“Nimepata bibi” – Kabisa

“Sasa nimeenda kusherekea” – Kabisa…. No one, except Swaleh Mdoe, says kusherehekea. Its quite tiring for your stomach. Try it right now. Infact if you want to get abs or reduce stomach weight just say kusherehekea 100 times on the way home in the evening and in the morning on your way to work.

Finally, I got home. Time to drink that Kaluma-Deepheat concoction juice.