There’s a thorn in my bum! Kwanza on the base, on the seat… I have no idea how it got to my riding shorts.

Today’s bike ride was quite good. And by bike ride I mean bicycle… which actually comes from the phrase bi-cycle which means dual cycles or two cycles or a cycle that is a bit evolved in its sexual orientation… I digress.

I have been riding 20km per day every day for the past 2 months. The goal is to reduce my weight plus #MissionDekitambitization. Once in a while I’d stretch it to 25 or 35km. It’s working coz kitambi imereduce and tu-abs tumeanza kuchungulia. Ni tu-abs tudogo bado.. Tu-abette.

Today, like any other day, nilichomoka asubuhi and began my ride, slowly at first so that my muscles warm up. There are people I almost always meet and say hello to. Whenever I feel too tired, there is one kiosk I stop at tunapiga story. Two months down the line, we are good friends; I have met his wife and both his kids.

Haya, sasaaaaa, on my way back, after about 16km, I felt a ka-prick on my right bum. I’m thinking, stupid, kamwiba kagani hako kamefika huko kwote! I ignored it at first but then it became more and more uncomfortable. I started trying to rub rub it ndio kasonge kando. If you saw me squirming on my seat, may the gods be with you for thou cannot unsee that.

Aki kali.ni.dungA. I felt like stopping, dropping my shorts, removing it, stepping on it, tukanaring it, “matako juu juu kama brakes za honda”.

Lakini surely what was that insult about? What did it even mean? I remember growing up, honda was the nickname or sheng word for motorbike. And I remember in stadadi one, kuna mtu alinitukana hivyo. I can’t remember if it was Kigo or Rashpol! No I think it was Mugure. Wah, nililia.

When I was asked why I was crying I said, in between sobs,

“Ni huyuuuuu!” Pointing.

“Amefanya nini?”

“Ameniambia matako yangu iko juu juu kama brakes za hondaaaaa, iiiiiiiiiiiiiih”

Si the other kids laughed, making it worse for me. Why did teachers make us repeat our insults? We were so foolish, na tulikuwa tunarepeat tu!

Back to the thorn. I got home, got into the house and removed my shorts in search of the stupid thorn. I kept asking myself!

How did it get all the way there?

Why did it show up after almost 16km of riding?

Is it the warmth that made it think that it can germinate and grow to become a massive oak tree?

I had so many questions!

Then I found it! It was not a thorn. It was a grain of sand whose mistaken identity has now made it famous on social media!