Allow me to take you back to the 90’s, when we used to wake up at 6am to watch Gulf War on CNN News. We were kids then; we didn’t know what it was. We just liked the pictures on the TV. Plus, this was daytime TV. For those who don’t know, KBC used to start at 4pm and they would close at midnight ati to go to sleep . Enter KTN 62 and suddenly we had CNN. It used to be pretty much CNN until midday but at least there was TV. Saturdays and Sundays were the best: Saber Rider, Sonic, Tazmanian Devil, Kimba the white Lion, Ewoks, Road Runner, Get-Along Gang, Dogtanian, Shera, Lone Ranger, Ramayan and Mahabarat, oh yes and Dracula every Sunday… mapepo…!

The 80’s and 90’s were famous for a different reason as well. The evangelism revolution had fired up in the 70’s and had now morphed into scare tactics. All sermons were about hell or devil worship. It was fashionable to have scary stories about sijui demonic stuff. Everyone would listen to you with intrigue. That’s all the people, akina our folks age, used to talk about. All around the world cults were the in thing. It didn’t really hit Kenya that badly but SA had its share of religious suicides with nonsense reasons like going to meet the Lord in the clouds. States was the worst hit. Psychopath preachers would lead their congregations to do remarkable and tragic things.

Heaven’s Gate was such a group that ran from 1974 – 1997 in Carlifonia. They believed that there was a spacecraft waiting for them to take them to aboard a certain comet which was to lead them to heaven’s gate. 39 bodies were found in a house having committed suicide. Just before the mass suicide, the group’s website was updated with the message: “Hale–Bopp (comet) brings closure to Heaven’s Gate … Our 22 years of classroom here on planet Earth is finally coming to conclusion – ‘graduation’ from the Human Evolutionary Level. We are happily prepared to leave ‘this world’ and go with Ti’s (their leader) crew.”

Then there was the famous one of Jonestown in 1978 where 918 people died by mass suicide near an airstrip. Though some believe that it was mass murder since many were injected. They took a soft drink that was laced with cyanide. There’s even a speech by their leader Jim Jones on the day, you can Google it if you want. It was terrible. Many of them were children.

In Kenya books like Mgendi, Delivered from the Power of Darkness and others became famous. Even as a child, I wondered why these books glorified evil more than God. Langata Cemetry became famous for its supernatural activities. I was 22 before I could walk into that cemetry without fear. And since we had no adult to teach us better, most of us kids grew up in religious fear, watching plays like Heaven’s Gates and Hell’s Flames. It was a horror, kwanza if you watched it as a kid. I got saved numerously. It was worse than anything I had watched on TV except Chiller.

Who remembers Chiller? I really don’t, coz I watched like half of it hidden behind the wall-unit. Meanwhile my bolder younger brothers kept updating me. I eventually conquered that intense fear of horrors, but it took years. I was 20 something by then. When watching a horror, my body would literally tremble in fear. My 13-year-old sister now has that same fear. It’s so intense she can’t even watch any Avengers or any action movie, let alone horrors.

Back to church horrors; when the scare tactics stopped working, the church switched to healing. There was a surge of mass healing going on into the late 90’s. It always starts in the US then trickles down to us. I don’t know if Europe, Asia and Australia were affected. Every crusade was about healing, do you guys remember that? Kwanza the Uhuru Park ones. Then that stopped working coz we started asking questions and demanding proof. It was obviously fake.

Then came the rapture revolution. Every sermon was about Jesus is coming anytime. Wah si tulikuwa chonjo. Since the age of time there have been world ending predictions, rapture wasn’t the first, notably about 25 of them. I’ve listed 6 famous ones.

January 1st 1000AD:

Obviously because it was a nice round number. The same thing happened in the year 2000. The months leading up to the new millennium were tumultuous. Many pilgrims, knights, and others made a trip to Jerusalem, thinking that the Apocalypse and Armageddon was upon them. During their trip there, many died of disease and hunger.

The Millerism Era (The Great Disappointment):

There was this preacher named William Miller. He studied the Bible extensively and after doing some calculations, he became convinced that the world was going to end sometime in 1843. It didn’t. He said March 1844. When nothing happened, he pushed the date to April 18, 1844. Another man within this movement, now known as Millerism, predicted the final doomsday date of October 22, 1844. When nothing happened (again), it became known as “The Great Disappointment.”

March 10, 1982 (Jupiter Effect):

What’s so special about March 10, 1982? Well on that day, the planets were all on the same side of the sun. While the planets were not exactly in a straight line, many people saw this event as a sign of the end times. The “Jupiter Effect” was supposed to wreak havoc over tidal forces, cause earthquakes and hurricanes, and almost every other natural disaster you can imagine.

6th June 2006

If you write that date in short form, it comes out 6/6/06 or ’666′. Religious sects were informing everyone they could that the Antichrist was returning to Earth and that people should prepare themselves.

Germanic Flood 1499

The Germanic Flood that never came

In 1499, the German mathematician and astronomer Johannes Stöffler predicted that a vast flood would engulf the world on February 20, 1524. In Europe, more than 100 different pamphlets were published endorsing Stöffler’s doomsday prophecy. Business boomed for boat-builders, not least for German nobleman Count von Iggleheim, who constructed a three-story ark on the Rhine. Although 1524 was a drought year in Europe, a light rain did fall on the designated day. Crowds of people—hoping to gain a seat on Iggleheim’s ark—began to riot. Hundreds were killed and the count was stoned to death.

1st Jan 2000:

The infamous Y2K situation. Governments around the world feared that computers and electronic systems would read the digits “00″ as 1900, instead of 2000. This means that all electronic records would be wiped out, bank accounts, etc. Religious groups said that this is when the world would end. In Kenya all churches were full that night, Dec 31st, 1999. There was a huge concert called Acquire the Fire at Nairobi University grounds. If I’m not wrong, had 20,000 people. I was 18 yrs old. I remember Pete Odera singing… “alright everybody”… The song started with that line and then drums. Wah si we danced. I remember there was this kagirl I was eyeing but I decided I’ll katia her after midnight… just in case the world ended. It didn’t hit me that if the world was going to end at midnight, then the world should have ended in Australia already since they were ahead of us in time. Well, we were young and ignorant. I didn’t get to talk to that girl. I didn’t see her after midnight. A huge crowd of people went home after that or to the club.

Then came the prosperity religion. Some churches do it blatantly like akina Kyuna, other churches do it in a more subtle way like having financial training and teachings in church etc. Now it’s normal and acceptable and encouraged and I don’t have a problem with it. Everyone needs financial training. That’s why we are trailing behind as a country. It’s not about our low levels of income, its about our saving and investing culture. The Richest Man in Babylon is a really good book. Two things I learnt from that book.

‘Do not take advice about copper from a jeweller’.

‘The person who earns 10 Bob per day says he’s too broke to save even 1 bob. Yet in the same room, same circle, same neighbourhood, there’s someone living on 9 bob a day’

Did you know that a few hundreds of years ago, if you were rich, you were a sinner? The church taught people to live simply and modestly. The same church today has the wealthiest preachers in the world, multi-million-dollar pastors who have members of their congregations sleeping hungry and the world still dying of basic things like food, shelter, clothing and depression. Whose fooling who? The twist is that back then, as the church was teaching modesty, they controlled vast amounts of wealth. Priests had expensive bodyguards/soldiers, they were involved in controlling the country’s budgets, funding wars, collecting tax in the name of God and appointing various government officials.

There was this famous movie called A Thief In The Night. I don’t know how many of you watched it. It was the first in a sequel of 4 movies about what would happen after the rapture. I still remember the theme song “there’s no time to change your mind, the Lord has come and you’ve been left behiiiiiind.. I wish we’d all been ready”….. I remember we watched that movie with my bros. I was around 12 yrs old. The TV used to be in the TV room upstairs. In the movie, the wife wakes up, hears the shower running and goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She says something to her husband, he doesn’t respond. She checks. He’s not there. She hears the kettle hissing in the kitchen. She goes to check, he isn’t there. He’s nowhere in the house. She panics. Then she hears on the radio that many people have vanished all over the world. It’s the rapture. And suddenly the military are gathering the people who have been left behind for the 666 mark. She runs, helicopters chasing her and what not.

So after the movie, we were sufficiently motivated to never sin again ever, including never taking kitchen money to buy goody-goody! It was around 4pm on a Saturday. We went downstairs. We lived in Sunview Estate in Ngumo. The foot of the stairs ended at the kitchen door. As we approached the kitchen a familiar, eery sound caught our attention. The hissing sound of boiling water. No sign of mum. We could see the signs but we didn’t want to admit what was happening. We searched the whole house. Mum can’t have left anything on the fire just like that. Mum had vanished. Rapture. We walked outside the house, the estate looked empty. Baassssss! We were so scared. We quickly came up with a plan. I’m the eldest of my siblings. I told them, twendeni airport, we find a way of going to the States. Having watched enough Nigerian movies we knew Africans would be less humane with people who refused the 666 mark. Yes, there were Nigerian movies then but they were all about rapture, demons etc.

Then as we were outside the gate contemplating what to do, a couple, our neighbours showed up. We were like “wait, kwani wameachwa pia?” But anyway, it made sense, they had missed the last Bible study. The folks used to have Bible study in our house. They asked us, “where is mum?” My dad was not around, I think he was out of town that time, I can’t remember. We replied, “hatujui”. We invited them in. They sat in the sitting room. We went back outside then guess who we see, mum! coming from the shop carrying bread. We ran than to her like those kids for After the Promise. This was an epic movie they used to bring on KBC every year around Christmas about 4 boys and their father. We immediately told her that we thought the rapture had happened na tulikuwa tumeachwa. She laughed. She told the couple that was in the house, they laughed, I’m sure they felt judged by children. We were just happy that we didn’t have to go to the airport.

I had this friend called Brian. He was one of the bible study leaders. Those days Kevo’s and Brayo’s were the forefront of the gospel. Wao ndio walikuwa wanashikilia watu accountable kuread Bible, to pray every day and Bible studies. The revolution of akina Brayo ilianza in the 90’s.

Sister Jane: “Brother Brian I am finding it difficult to read my bible every morning.”

Brother Brian: “We’ll talk and pray about it after the Bible study”

Sister Jessica also had an issue with her morning devotions. She also wanted to talk to brother Brian. He asked her to stay behind as well with Sister Jane. But sister Jessica said that she was in a hurry and that she would come back the following day.

And brother Brian and sister Jane remain behind after everyone has left on Wednesday afternoon at 3:30pm and at 3:33pm Brother Brian emerged as Brayo Reborn Msafi…. Because, obviously, Brayo was not a one-minute man.

On that note I have remembered a praise and worship girl in CU, Kenyatta University. She used to like this particular blue dress, those types you’d find worn by a Kikuyu choir, which had a cream hem on the sleeves and breast pockets. She always used to walk alone and very fast, those purpose driven walks. She wasn’t very friendly; she was the strict types who used to respond to “hi” with “I’m fine in the Lord”. She was pretty, chocolate colored skin, but she never used to pay any attention to what she wore, her hair and never applied make up, ata vaseline kwa lips. I used to go to CU church once in a while and would see her huko at the front. That was the only time I saw her smile, when she was leading praise and worship mostly in that kablue dress.

Her room was the room next to a girl I was hitting on in campus. I was there a lot of times. Ata tukipatana kwa corridor or something CU-girl would never say hello. I guess she didn’t want to mix with heathens . Lakini wacha niwaambie… There was this day, I remember it was around afternoon. I was in my friend’s room chilling then we heard the bed creaking in the next room. I was like, wait, CU girl anafanya abomination? Haiwezi kuwa. We listened keenly. We didn’t need to, the bed was not creaking anymore, it was earthquaking. Wah. I decided to go out of the room and listen from her door. Kutoka nje, I saw like 5 girls and 1 guy already at her door listening. Not that having sex was a big thing in Campus, but this was Bluedress CU girl. There was no moaning. Kwani huyuuuu anakuwa emotionless even during sex? Ama maybe the guy had covered her mouth. So much for “ndio tusiskike”. Lakini kamoan kamoja kalislip out. It was not too loud but it was the only one.

When the quaking stopped, there was silence, we all walked away, some girls giggling. About 10min later I heard the door open. I had to confirm if it really was CU girl. I waited a few seconds then walked out of the room, and there she was just ahead of me, in the blue dress yaaani, still doing that purpose driven walk. I didn’t see the dude, maybe he was ahead of her and had already taken the corner at the corridor.

The next Sunday, blue girl alikuwa tu huku akiabudu as usual. Someone should have put a message on the projector “I Know What You Did Last Summer”.

I had my own share of supernatural experiences. I was around 16. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt a strange presence in my room. I froze in fear. Then I felt a cat climb on top of my bed… we had no cat… The cat circled me three times. I could feel its footsteps. I tried to move, I couldn’t. I tried to call my mum; no words left my lips. It’s like my throat was blocked. I starting calling the name of Jesus… nothing. My throat was dry. But I finally managed to squeeze a few Jesuses out. I kept sratching the word Jesus out of my throat until finally the presence disappeared and I sat up. There was no cat and my door was still closed. I didn’t tell anyone that story. It never happened again…. Or did it?

2 years later, the same thing happened. I went through the same process. It was so scary, wah. Then it happened a 3rd time a few years later. I was around 21. Ai, I decided I had had enough. I went to the pastor kuombewa. I grew up in Citam so that’s where I went. I didn’t explain the issue, I just said it was a spiritual battle I was fighting… Christinanese…

I thought I was delivered lakini wapi. A few months later it happened again. Oh yah, the cat stopped appearing around after the 3rd time. It was just an eery heavy presence and I could barely breathe or talk. When it happened as usual, I couldn’t move but this time my brain was a lot more alert. I noticed that every time it happened, I was sleeping facing upwards and it stopped after calling the name Jesus a few times. What if it had nothing to do with Jesus? What if I called someone else? So I called my bro, of course he couldn’t hear from the next room because my voice was barely screeching. And what do you know, the presence disappeared. After that I never called Jesus again, I’d either call my bro or just keep quiet and the presence would disappear.

Fast forward to a few years later, enter Google and the era of information. I am fascinated by conspiracy theories, alien stories etc akina Area 51. I met someone who has no idea what Area 51 is. Area 51 is a place in Nevada in the US about 89,000 acres. It’s a highly secure CIA military base that has even been blacked out on Google Earth. Search it, you’ll find it but you won’t be able to see anything there if you zoom in. It has a lot of mysterious stories around it. So one time I was watching a documentary about flying saucers, and people who had alien experiences…… Waaaaaaaiiiit… Those stories sounded exactly like mine. Kumbeeeee what I was going through was called Sleep Paralysis! Nkt! Na vile nilikuwa nimekemea shetani.

Sleep paralysis happens when one is very tired or going through stress or doesn’t get enough sleep; and most of the time when one is sleeping facing upwards. Did you know that when you sleep facing upwards it the most vulnerable position because your neck is exposed? Instinctively we protect our necks. It’s a raw instinct. Predators almost always go for the neck. People who sleep facing upwards are considered courageous. Normally when we sleep our body shuts down all our motor functions. Our bodies pretty much become paralysed except for of course breathing. If you partially wake up and become aware before your body is fully awake you will find yourself in that semi-paralysis state. Your first reaction will be to fear. And your mind will play on the things that you fear most and you may hallucinate and see it or feel it. For me it was cats and majini, thanks to all those scary stories as kids. They were just stories I came to realise later… also wondering why waganga na wachawi are not at the forefront of winning Sportpesa and owning highly successful security firms… “Don’t hire soja who will sleep all night, just buy this small protector pot from Warogi Wawili Securicor at 6,500 and place it at your gate. Your security is our priority”. Sleep paralysis lasts for a very short time, about 10-30 seconds but like a dream you’ll feel like it’s an hour.

Why it was so frequent with me was because for a period of time in my life I was going through stress which came with insomnia. I was constantly an angry person. Anyone who was close to me 10 – 15 years ago probably noticed. Poleni mazee. I didn’t even know it myself. Only one of my boys told me, ahsante kaka. You know yourself.

Juzi juzi tu, a few months ago I saw a thread on Facebook of people talking about demonic experiences na watu wengine waki-bind in Jesus’ name kwa comments . Ni stress tu my friends na kulala vibaya ama depression vile siku hizi depression is so common. More people have gone through different levels of depression in their lives than we know it, me included. Ata kama maisha inaenda vibaya aje, take time out, a vacation always works perfect. And when I say vacation, I don’t necessarily mean Dubai or Amsterdam: tafuta 1400, enda Arusha, the buses/shuttles are picked hapo Jevanjee Gardens, find a hotel for 1k per night, spend 2 nights, buy a bottle of wine, it’s cheaper in Arusha. Hit a club or not, or tour the town or go to Maji Moto, whatever your preference is. If you’re a guy get a haircut in Arusha town in any kinyozi. It’s around 300bob. Waschana wa Tanzaneeya, wacha ni waambie nduguzanguni, ile masaji utapata kwa kichwa na shoulders, ah, utamu wa asali utaimumunya mwenyewe. If you’re a lady get a full body massage for Tz40,000 (2k) you’ll love it. Kama uko na kapesa kidogo tafuta 40k and go to Ethiopia or 10k and go to Kigali by bus or you can save get 120k go to SA, Zambia, Victoria Falls or pick a place in Europe like Rome or Sicily or Asia; Thailand, Bali stay at an Airbnb for 3k per night, share that bill with a friend. Kama hiyo haiwezimake, panda mat enda camp Naivasha. The whole plan will cost you 4k. Kama bado hio dough ni mezesha go to your pal’s house in a different town, mchome kakuku na tusoda. If not weka fuel kwa gari take a drive to Ngong Hills huko juu at the wind turbines, I promise you it will clear your mind… Entry ni 100 Bob. Or drive to Blue Post in Thika and have a cup of tea na samosa. Or panda mat to Karen then take a boda to Oloolua trail. Entry is 200 bob. Go alone or with a friend then when done mrudi Karen stage for kuku na chips hapo McFrys. Whatever the case don’t burn out, take time off to clear you mind. Plan ni mob sana, hola at me if you’re looking for ideas.